I’m not going to lie. I’m pretty depressed. I naively thought I would be hired by now and acclimating to a new company, new role, new co-workers. I envisioned myself – my new self – employed and content, the ugly past put behind me. I would have my business cards, my title, my life back.
None of these is true.
Instead, I am up early to get my daughter to school, dressed in yoga pants and a t-shirt, flip flops and a ball cap. I am not in my work clothes fighting traffic to my new job. I return home and plop on the couch with coffee and my iPad and my blanket of sadness, weighing me down, heavy and warm.
The other day, I spent the entire day doing nothing, Seriously nothing, I watched a few shows on my DVR, played some word games online, read most of a new book, made mac & cheese for dinner, and took a shower. That was my day.
I don’t even recognize myself any more. This was never me. I was not built to be a stay-at-home person. I need to be busy and task-oriented with To Do lists chock full of errands, all preferably while multi-tasking something else.
Am I in a funk? Am I falling into a bit of a depression? Am I terrified of this being the new me and not being able to climb up and out of this hole? Yes. Yes. And definitely yes.
Most days I go to the library and scan the web for job leads. This is my other new reality. I am a library denizen. I have joined the ranks of other daily visitors…I’m getting used to their faces now: there’s puzzle man, the stock market guys, tight-clothes/loud-voice girl, red-headphone kid, to name a few.
I wonder what they call me? Or have they even noticed me at all?
Since I was fired, I’ve been trying to wrap my head around the idea of what it means to be a useful member of society. Did having a job give me my purpose? Was having an answer to the obligatory social question of “what do you do?” my crux? I now know that was the truth for me. I don’t have an answer to that question any more, or at least not right now. I’m trying to fix that idea in my head…telling myself that not having a job is perfectly fine, totally normal, and not the least bit weird.
But, if I’m being honest, to me it is.
I need purpose. I need to contribute. I need to be useful to the universe.
Yes, I am a mom and a wife, a daughter, and a friend…but is that enough? For some, it is. For me, it’s not…not right now, at least.