Today was another interview at another company. “How do you think it went?” asked my husband. “How’d the interview go?” asked my mother-in-law. No clue.

Every time I leave an interview I feel, well, numb. I hate trying to figure out how I did or if they liked me or if I have a good chance or not.

It seems impossible to get a pulse on how I did.

Inevitably, I end up running everything back through my head… Did I ask enough questions? Did I ask the right questions? How were my answers to their questions? Was I thorough enough? Too thorough? Did I babble? Was my body language ok? And so on. I second guess every response and distort them through my not-so-rose-colored glasses.

Did I do my best? I sure hope so. But did I? Argh.

Earlier in the day I had a headache and stomach ache. But now, post-interview, I was ravenous and thirsty. My brain was cycling through the last 45 minutes, and I managed to convince myself I didn’t have a chance at getting this job.

Turning off the self-doubt is way harder than it should be. And sometimes it feels like HR decisions are almost arbitrary. Maybe the guy who interviewed me was dumped by a woman with the same first name as me. Perhaps the recruiter didn’t like my shoes or purse or hair. Maybe I was invited to the interview because they needed to meet a quota for the job posting.

Who knows? I wish I did.

I want to know if it was me or my resume or clothes or interviewing skills. I want to know if someone was more qualified or if I ever had a chance. I want to hear the brutal truth, because then I might have something tangible to work on, somewhere to go from.

But it’s likely I’ll never know the “why” behind the decision. So where does that leave me? Will I be on an endless road of applying, interviewing, and getting rejected for some unknown reason? Dear God, I hope not. I’m pretty sure that’s a little bit of what hell is like.

Hamster, meet wheel.

For now, though, fingers crossed that today’s interviewers did like my answers, my clothes, and my questions. This interviewing cycle is exhausting…just ask the hamster.