Today is day of action. I can feel it. Wallow be gone; today I get stuff done. 

Whenever I get overwhelmed, my automatic defense mechanism is to make a list. So I do. 

I make lists: to dos, where to apply, people to call. I need a budget. I need things to do. 

I call the number for HR. “Sorry,” they say. “Your case hasn’t been updated yet. We can only give you general info.” Really? I’m a “case” now. I’m a number. I mean (meant) nothing to the big corporation. I let it suck my soul and am left with nothing. Close my eyes. Count to ten. 

First To Do: insurance. I had pretty good insurance for my family. Pricey, but good coverage. I ask about the cost of Cobra (a poisonous snake, oh irony). I almost faint – it would be about $1800/month for health coverage for the three of us. 
Dear God. Can’t afford to be sick-can’t afford to be insured. 

Next To Do: budget. There are places I can trim, but not a lot. We were already living paycheck-to-paycheck most months. I applied for unemployment already, but that won’t start for a while. How much is in the checking account? Savings account? *breathe*

I can take two months off my school loans. But that’s it?! I haven’t missed a payment. Ever. 

Ok. Car payment, mortgage, day care (cancel asap), auto insurance (get a new quote?), credit card bill, electric, water, phones, internet and cable. Oh boy. 


Third To Do: resume. I haven’t updated mine in three years, at least. I feel the panic rolling in. Why didn’t I keep this current? I was so naive. I was foolish I put too much stock in my that company. I assumed I was important. I was so very wrong. 

The curtain has been pulled back. My eyes have been opened. I was totally and wholly dispensable. A tiny cog in the great corporate wheel.  

Count to ten. 

Last To Do (for today): jobs. I am, frankly, freaked out about finding a new job. Like totally bug-eyed terrified. There are a ton of companies I could apply to, but do I want to stay in the same field? Do I want to try something new? Should I just find something I can tolerate that pays comparably?! No clue. 

Count again. 

Time for some therapy.  Some self-medicating. I need to clear my head and pause my brain-cycles of fear/panic and doubt/depression. I don’t want much human interaction, so dog cuddles it is. 

Man, I wish I were a dog.